Grown Up

I'm a grown up! I pay rent, get sleepy at 10 O'Clock, keep up with T.V. shows, get on Facebook way too much, blog and pin things, schedule bills, oil and filter changes and my own dental appointments. I am a grown up because I have had dreams and I have seen them fall apart.

Within the last 9 months I feel like I have lived and survived more life than anyone should have to live through in a normal 9 months. Full-time job, graduating, moving, relationships beginning and ending, crippling fear, counseling and lots of traveling. Yet through it all I have survived. Maybe a little worse for wear but I survived.

Today I was back on my old stomping grounds, JBU Chapel. Phil Visher, the creator of Veggie Tales, spoke and he was great!! He spoke as a man who has lived more life than the average person has lived. He was the CEO of a multimillion dollar business that he had worked towards since he was 14 and he then watched it all begin to crumble right before his eyes. He watched his dream come to life and he then watched them die. It's amazing how God gives us desires, hopes and dreams, to then ask us to lay them back down at his feet. I do believe he gives us dreams and he then asks us to let them go. Challenging what is more important in life, God or our Dreams?

We see this so many times in scripture, he gives someone a dream and then asks them to let it die. Abraham was asked to sacrifice the son he had waited so many years for, Jesus was only our true savior after he was sacrificed, the Shunammite woman who received a son and then held him as he died. But what is so funny to me is in all these stories the dreams come back after they are sacrificed, but they are never the same. They always come back even better than before. That doesn't mean they are better according to the world. But the Holly Spirit dwelling in us, instead of Christ dwelling among us, is a great added bonus. Does that mean I would have rather had the Holy spirit and no Christ? NOT AT ALL! But I am so glad that we had a dream come true and then it was sacrificed for a new dream to come true.

Being a grown up means that you are willing to give up on dreams. When you are young you want to grow up as quick as possible because you think it means all your dreams will come true. But in reality it's just the opposite. You are willing to give up those dreams that you had hand crafted and conceived of from childhood. Those dreams you clung to for dear life, that brought you comfort during hard times and help mold you into the person you are today. Yep! Those dreams, give them up.

Not because they won't come true, or they don't mean anything or you should of never had them, but because you understand that there are greater things than your dreams.

For Christ to die meant eternal life for all of us, and the Holy Spirit to come in his place and guide us. For Phil loosing his business meant that he would be able to reconnect with Christ, and put his pride in place to therefore start other entrepreneurial adventures. For me, loosing the dream of what my life would be like means that another life can be lived.

 "A servant cannot serve two masters. He will hate the first master and love the second, or he will be devoted to the first and despise the second. You cannot serve God and wealth."

This makes so much sense to me now. When you love something and serve it outside of the love of Christ, it becomes so much work! You become so weighted down by it, and you are so angry at God because life is suppose to be easy. But then you realize life is easy when you allow him to be your God and serve him alone. You then despise what you served before knowing that it was never going to have the freedom that comes in Christ.

Live in Christ, and allow your dreams to come through Him.

God Is Love

Ok so it has been a long time since I have made a post but I have not forgotten you blog.

So, I am really tired and very overwhelmed which makes sense that God would want to teach me a very valuable life lesson, because when it rains it pours. Therefore please ignore my awful grammar and anything that is not cohesive in what I am about to write. I really feel like I am suppose to write this for others to read.

This weekend has been crazy out of my control and, for those who know me, this is not something I enjoy. I had nothing to do Friday night so I randomly decided to make the 2 and a half hour drive home to hang out with the fam. My mom has been going through a lot post divorce and she needed some moral support. Well, I discover my A/C is broke on my way back Saturday afternoon at 2:30 in Tulsa traffic. I make it home alive to find the downstairs a mess with food and people. As I am getting in peoples ways trying to put food I had bought in bulk at Sam's I drop my keys, as normal, at my place on the table. I then head upstairs to get ready to go to the talent show. About an hour and a half later I get a text from my housemate telling me her friend whom was over has a set of keys that are not his with, and is wondering if they are mine. Low and behold my keys are not on the table, so yes they are. Two hours, 15 phone calls, an email and a facebook message later I get my keys back although not in time to attend the talent show like I had planned. I am so very mad and frazzled at this point I am beside myself.

I get in my car and head up to the Church to practice my set for this morning, and it is not coming together so I leave to come home and sleep with hope for a better tomorrow. Well, the service was fine, but I really felt like I was pushing for something to happen that was outside of God.

With all weighing on my shoulders I eat a wonderful lunch and watch head to watch a play with my housemate and her dad. Being big mouthed theater snob I say too many of my opinions unknowing in front of the Assistant Director.

I am a mess.

I then attend the Gather ( A jbu student lead service). I go in know what will be taking place through some various connections, so I walk in with certain expectations already.

The speaker is a wonderful woman who tells her life story and begins talking about being bitter and how she isn't. Then the music leaders whom I had some very low expectations for, and had a running list of critiques in my head about, play Center by Charlie Hall.

All this to say, I am an angry bitter person whom does not deserve my job, or my social standing in life. Yet, I have it. So why in God's Good and Great Name am I being bitter and cynical towards HIS AWESOME AND WONDERFUL CREATION??

God may you be the center of my life so that as the speaker said tonight I don't "have the earth's axis lodged in my backside and thinking it revolves around me." God thank you for making me cry tonight, thank you for letting me know this weekend that I am absolutely nothing without your presence in my life, and that every breathe I am breathing is a gift from you that I should not take for granted. I am nothing but because of you I am also something beautiful, and should not "think your love is not good enough and is therefore not worthy of me loving others with it," as the speaker said tonight.

Prose

SATISFACTION

· By Wishful Thinking

She walks into the room and stares, her heartfelt desires are coming true but are they really what she wants? She is nervous.

He looks into himself not knowing if he can handle it. what will the thoughts be? Why is it him? He is worried

Her old hands are shaking, she can barely pick up what she needs to so that she can complete her 9-5 that she still works. She is in pain.

He is sitting alone pondering what to do next, is their another step up or is this it? Looking back helps none in looking forward. He is scared

Why she is crying no one knows but her. it will be difficult to go through. she can’t decided.

Who can make us feel? Why do we need love? Where do the questions stop?

We go through time and wonder as to what we will do in life, and if we can live up to all there is to live up to.

We all fail and the hurt seeps in, it cracks the seemingly innocent walls of our hearts. We are all here and trying to survive. Is it evolution, human nature or God, that we are like this?

There is a choice of whether or not to know, love, laugh, and hope.

FEAR

What does it mean to be a christian? It means to sacrifice yourself and follow Christ. What does it mean to follow Christ? Now this is the interesting part.

To follow Christ you need to know Him. First and foremost He is the son of God and the bible is God breathed. Therefore, a key factor in knowing God is reading the Bible. We are taught in the bible to pray. Every strong Christ follower, as well as Christ Himself, are seen praying at key points in there life. So, praying as often as possible and setting a side a daily time to read the Bible is following Christ? Close but not quite there. The most important thing is fear. FEAR, how is fear the most important in following Christ?

Fear, when you are afraid of something it consumes you. When you are afraid of heights then just looking at something slightly taller than your knee makes your heart sink. This is because you the know of power of heights, so you pay great respect to it, you do not try to make it conform to your will but you allow it do its thing while you stand out of the way. This is the fear of God. As we read the Bible and pray and grow in our understanding of God, we are to fear Him. We are to grow in reverence, love and awe of Him, allowing him to take control of our life and set aside our will for His.

Change my Heart, oh God!

We are in the season of LENT!

In today's children sermon, and at JBU's Ash Wednesday service, we learned that Lent is a time of spring cleaning. Where we refocus our hearts on Christ and what His will is for our lives.

I would agree, it is a time of remembering our cross and what

it means to daily carry it. Lent is a time where you sacrifice, mainly by giving up a food or food's of your choice, and pull into Christ allowing him to search your heart and change it. It is a time of re-organizing our priorities and turning our hunger and cravings for food into a hunger and craving for Christ our Lord. It is a time of windex-ing our hearts windows and allowing the light of Christ illuminate our dark corners that we never even realized are there. We are to dust off our old habits and refurbish them into new God centered ones.

The winter is over! So throw open your heart, and allow Christ to come in as

a cool breeze that refreshes and renews. Delight yourself in him, and do not trust your own eyes, but use this time to learn to fear Him. Humble yourself before Him during this time, and sacrifice your heart to Him, allowing Him to move in and change you. See what He reveals to you, I guarantee you will be blown away at what God will do with this time! But only if you truly allow Him to change your heart towards Him. Good night and Good Luck during this Lent season.

gRoWinG uP

Looking back, seeing what you didn’t, knowing what you couldn’t and laughing at what you wouldn’t.

Leaving what was possible and venturing to the impossible. Believing in the truth and never forgetting the scars required to get there.

Blessing those who you never knew and believing there is still hope for those you do.

Understanding that you will hurt and that hurt will come out in one way or another.

Learning to never underestimate the power of growing up.

Takes one to know one

I have discovered it really does take one to know one. We all point the finger, not thinking about the other three pointing back at us. I had an app. on facebook where you asked a question and anyone could comment anonymously what they thought. I asked if people thought I was a good witness for Christ (Bad idea!) and the comment I got back was, no I am to judgmental. Lately I would agree, I am quick to judge and slow to love. Christ was the exact opposite. I have discovered what keeps me from judging, TEARS, lots of tears. They break down walls and barriers you never even knew you had up. Don't hold them back, let it all out. You will begin to love in ways you never knew you could, and have a much less judgmental life. :)

Sunday Set list

All creatures of our God and King (David Crowder)

~ Shout to the Lord (Darlene Zschech)

~ Better is one Day in your courts

~ Blessed be the name of the Lord

We can try so hard to have the best service ever, yet we never really ever get there.

This sunday I learned about the power of prayer and the power of God, how he can take our week attempts to pray and serve him and turn them into something only He can do. Rehearsal on Wednesday broke me down, I felt like such a failure. We spent 30 minutes on one song and struggled the whole way through it. I was very distraught afterwards, and really wondered how this morning would go. I began to read what I call the Christian Artist Bible, "The heart of the artist", it was partially for a class and partially for comfort. I decided to read a section to my band this morning about perfection. It was about how God still uses us even if we mess up and a song goes wrong. I explained that I am way more concerned with the fact that they are growing in Christ and using their talents as an expression of that then wether or not a song we play is perfect. Well, God not only uses bad song but also bad Bible studies. I was very tired from the night before and a bit irritable, so I am afraid my words came off a little to pointed and strong. Yet, I loved it when the band and I all went into the chapel and were able to pray together. Something that I started last week and I am very pleased with. Also, Worship went very well this morning, despite all of my short falls. God has truly blessed me with a talented band and a wonderful job!

A Beautiful Disaster

~ Praise to the Lord the Almighty
~ Amazing Grace/ My Chains are gone
~ Jesus Draw me Close
~ O for a Thousand Tongues to sing


This sunday I did something a little different with the band. I had been getting so focused on making the music sound really great that I had been neglecting the Worship side of things. Every sunday morning we have prayer in our chapel at 8:30 and this week in our staff meeting we were talking of ways to encourage people to attend. I decided the band would end rehearsal at 8:30 then head over to calm our minds and steady our spirits. I wanted them to know I value our Christianity more than our musicianship. So, during the time when I am usually running around double checking everything and making sure everyone knows what they are doing, I spent instead praying in the chapel. Well the prayer time was wonderful and I truly felt more prepared for sunday morning than I have ever before. I did not realize that I need to schedule my time a little different, because of our new addition.

When I walked back into the sanctuary everything began to fall apart, my new member of the media team was struggling with several issues, including having prepared different songs from what we were going to be playing this morning. Trying to resolve the issue, I gave her my music and scripture for the morning. Tried not to think much about it and continue on with things as normal. The sound guy was needed as a greeter this morning, so I had to pull from my two classes worth of knowledge on how to run an analogue sound board and convert that to a digital sound board. Then we were off. The Lay Leader began with the welcome and great your neighbor, followed by announcements then joys and concerns with offering ending her time. Most sundays we allow for special music during the offering but did not have any this morning. I did not remember to tell her that about that and that we needed to go straight into children's time during the offering. Well, there was a small time of panic as we tried to remedy the situation in the middle of the service, it's a good thing I sit on the front row. We got it all solved and I settled down with a snicker thinking, "well one thing has to go wrong every so often, right", little did I know this was only the beginning. When the band and I got up to begin our worship set I realized that I had never gotten my music and scripture back from my media team. So, I am now flying solo up on the stage, luckily I could kind of see my other vocalist music. But when it came time to read the scripture I had nothing, so I ad libbed a bit and went right into Amazing Grace / My chains are gone. I survived the second problem of the morning. When we finished the Pastor came up and read the scripture for me then began his sermon.

As the band and I began to do the closing for the service, I noticed I got a lot of puzzled looks from the congregation, our newest media team member did not get to fix the last two songs and apparently had some very different words on the screen from what we were singing. :) What else could end our service more perfectly!

We have only been in our renovated sanctuary for about 2 months and are still trying to figure out a lot of things. But through it all, I will place Christ over all. Of course this morning had some problems because Satan hates it when we change our routine to be more Christ centered. None the less, it was really great to see that the congregation was still entering into a great time of worshiping our Creator, and we had more people stay after to take communion than we have had in a long time. It was a beautiful sunday morning service.

The Prison

When it comes to the end of a semester, school feels like prison! All you want is the sweet smell of freedom and the wonderful after taste of accomplishment!
Its like Candy canes, they are really pretty and smell really refreshing. So you put it in your mouth and begin the long journey of continually using the muscles of your mouth and saliva to work your way through the candy cane. Every so often pulling it out our your mouth and checking your progress. The taste becomes overwhelming, but you already have it in your mouth. If you put it down you may never pick it back up, so you feel trapped by candy to finish it. It begins to get sharp and poke your mouth, you may even bleed. Yet you are a survivor and you are in it to finish.
Then finally, it dissolves in your mouth and each breath you take reminds you that finished the candy cane and now have really great smelling breath and a wonderfully sweet after taste in your mouth that will last for a long time.

I am trapped in a candy cane school of prison.

Happy Holidays!

Parable of the Talents

When you are smacked in the face with incredibly talented people you become inspired. Which is something that should not be waisted, because inspiration is the most fickle friend you could possibly ever have.

I was surrounded tonight by some incredibly smart and talented people, well two for that matter.They were analyzing one another's talent. I just sat in awe.

I am very crossed with this idea of talent.

I have never viewed myself as an incredibly talented person. But, (bare with me as I am digging very deep into my soul, and it is requiring a lot of narration within my head. I am truly perplexed by all of this.) why do we receive talents and yet as Christians never feel capable of using them, because we need to be "HUMBLE"? When we use them does that mean we are being prideful? We see countless stories in the Bible about people doing what they do because they are gifted in that area.

We all have talents according to Christ, we are all given at least one talent and if we do nothing with it, it is waisted. So, as any good sunday school teacher would say, what is your talent? Buddy the Elf was good at checking fire alarms, and placing the star on top of the Christmas tree, my neighbor is very good at starting up conversations with anyone and being friendly, my mom is very good at telling the truth.

Talent is one of those things that will always cause my mind to be unsettled and I am trying to be okay with that. What is talent and how do we use it? This is another gray area where God comes in and defines it for each of us individually.

If He blesses you with any thoughts into this matter please share, it is much needed!

Its Fall...

Coffee House

I have not written in a long time!

I have been learning a lot about life and what it takes to be a follower of christ. This is not that much fun, although very necessary.

Brief update of my life;

~ School is hard
~ Friends are fun
~ I love being a worship leader
~ I am knitting a scarf
~ I am on my way home for the first time since august and I stopped at Shades of Brown for a coffee

Well there it is my life since last time, hope you all have a great weekend!

I am now 20!

Today is my birthday! I turned 20 at 6 this morning.

I am sitting here at Arsagas in Fayetteville, after having gone to the farmers market this morning. I got some peaches, spinach, cherry tomatoes, and flowers. I love the farmers market! I have been so busy lately with being the new worship pastor at FUMC, and starting a new school year, I have had no time to plan a party or anything for today. So I thought I would treat myself and just hang out this morning doing my favorite things (drinking coffee, reading blogs, being around people).

My mom will be coming up and we will be spending the day together, which will be wonderful. It has been a tradition in my family for years that mom comes and takes us out to lunch on our birthday. Even now that I live a state away nothing has changed. So we will dine on Thai food, enjoy each others company, and then she will go to church with me in the morning. I am very excited! It is a rather non-traditional birthday for most college students, but I am so looking forward to it. I need to relax! I have been to two birthday parties, an engagement party, several back to school parties, and three concerts this week. That is enough for me!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and enjoy some relaxation as well!

I LOVE

I love being-

creative
open
sarcastic
with people
ambitious
hopeful
loving
a leader
a friend
a sister
asleep in the middle of the day
at home alone
in the middle of the city drinking coffee
overwhelmed with good news
heartfelt

dancing
on my computer
ME

~A poem to sum up my day~

Devotional

Here is the devotional that I wrote for the Life Church LifeKids email. I sums up everything that God is teaching me right now.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:7-9

We all go through hard, trying times where we feel distant from God. Yet we are reassured by this verse that the Lord HIMSELF goes before us! What a wonderful thought; he has been there done that and now he is going to walk you through it.

Looking back on many of the hard times that I have been through I realize that God was there the entire time leading me. I had no reason to doubt his presence, just because it’s hard does not mean God is not there. He is usually closer than ever during those hard times, but we think he is distant because we are hurting. The hurt is God refining us, and molding us into who he wants us to be.

So do not be afraid of what is to come or be discouraged by what has happened. Instead, believe that God is right there guiding and helping you every step of the way.

Faith

My name means "mighty world ruler", how do you live up to that!?!? well it all depends on how you define world. I will have to say that I am definitely the ruler of my own world! I am a perfectionist and a control freak, I believe that if you want something done right, just do it your self.

This morning the Preacher for ONE PRAYER at Life Church spoke of how when God seems absent that is when He is working in your life more than you could ever imagine. This summer having to do deal with a lot of disappointment and a big lack of things to do, I was forced to sit and wait. When you sit and wait on God it is a time to seek His guidance, read His word and cry out to Him. I cried out to him through words, music, and dance, the only ways I really know how to cry.

Looking back it was a wonderful time, I grew in many ways. Some that I may never fully understand. Now I am over whelmed with things to do. I am volunteering at Life Church, and United Way, as well as training with Joe's Road Crew and maybe Mexico Joe's.

But back to this morning, the Preacher made a really interesting comment, for many of us after four days of unanswered prayer we give up and think there is no God, but Israel waited four hundred years on God to provide for them. When God seems absent will we be willing continue to be faithful to him? What if it is for 400 years? What if he never provides what you ask? Will you still serve Him? My summer is just now picking up and yet it is half over.

Romans 8:28 is a verse I wake up to every morning in my room, but it has new meaning to me now: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." but it may take time. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good, just trust in Him.

I have been fully challenged this summer to be reliant on God, because He has the whole world in his hands, He has the world the I want to be a mighty world ruler of in his hands. I am learning to turn over the reign of my world to Him.

People watching

Went to a park in Tulsa yesterday, despite the heat it was wonderful. I have driven by this park many a time, I always wanted to stop and yesterday I thought "what the hay! Just stop."

So I drove around and picked the ideal parking spot. As I walked through savoury green grass and a thick canopy of trees, I saw a Hispanic family watching the kids play on the swings and drink beer, it looked like a modern day Monet.

I crossed over the hill to the gardens. The gardens were full of small trails and secret passage ways, almost like something out of Alice In Wonderland. One led to a beautiful bench shaded by the trees and another led to a small stepping stone walkway across a narrow part of the lake. Once on the other side there was another bench shaded by the low branch of a tree. I sat down and enjoyed all that came along.

I had two mallard ducks approach me looking for food, a blue jay stopped by to say hi, a big brother in two full sleeved tattoos taking pictures with his sister walked by, a family of brothers under 10 ran around on the scenery in front of me, and a small herd of squirrels played in the trees. I read a couple Psalms, and some pages of my book then decided it was my time to explore. So I found another passageway back over the lake, this time it was a bridge of stone and wood. I came upon a small flower garden where I made a bouquet.

Altogether it was a wonderful afternoon, but the heat finally sent me toodling home.

I left thinking about why am I so amazed at other peoples lives? Is this why I love reality T.V., blogging, facebook, twitter, and so many other things? Because I get to see a glimpse of others lives and decide that mine is either better or worse than theirs?

Do I people watch to understand myself better? Or to understand others better?

It seems such a silly thing but I feel like in some small way I had a glimpse into the life of each person and animal I came in contact with, in some way I made an impact in their day and changed something about what they were to do, think or say. People watching is an amazing thing.

To answer my last two questions, it does both. We understand ourselves better by understanding others better. What a cool God to serve!

Now, I smell a brisket stewing. Another one of the many wonderful things God gives us, besides a brain, delicious food!

God is good, I am humbled

I wrote earlier in a post about the fact that I have been dying! God took away what could have possibly been the best summer of my life and I have done nothing but be a complete bum since. I hate bumming for more than a week. Weird I know but truth. As much as I love to play the guitar, get a full 9 or more hours of sleep and sit on the internet, I need structure! My true weakness, besides coffee, is that I need to be needed. It has been killing me that I am legitimately needed in Orlando by a wonderful Church and for some reason God would not let me help them.

Now, I don't want to say that "it all worked out for the good" because that is a crap phrases that Christians have coined to

1) make us feel better about our lives

2) help us not to deal with things

3) and keep God at a distance from us.

God is a big enough to allow things to not completely revolve around us and he sometimes does things just to do things. He is God, whatever he does is good and justified. This is one of the toughest things that we can possibly try to swallow about God. He is in complete control. Sometimes he proves he is in control through blessings and sometimes its through trial.

Is he always in control? Yes! Does he always know what the outcome is? Maybe, he knows the overall, and he is outside of time, yet we also have freewill(gigantic gray area there). God hates being put in a box and by telling each other as Christians that "it will all work out for the Good!" is putting God in a box. What if God does not make something work out for good? He took away a wonderful summer from me! or maybe he prevented me from getting raped. I have no idea!

Which is exactly the point that God wants me to be at right now. He is so good at challenging me. I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful fact that he is in control and I am not. As hard as I try, as much as I fight, as big a temper tantrum as I throw, he is my father, daddy, husband and the creator of my life. Which means, he can do whatever the hell he wants. Which a lot of times he will create hell just to prove he is God above all gods. Just as in the story of Elijah on mount Caramel, God will tear our gods down and mock them before our faces, whatever we have stupidly put before him he will take and burn to prove he is GOD!

Yes, not going to Orlando was for a purpose, I will say that everything has a purpose. But that does not mean that I am in control of that purpose, that does not mean anything God does makes sense. That means I am serving an amazing God that I cannot understand. As much as we all want a purpose driven life, the purpose is God! To say that everything works out for the good is a lie, divorces happen, people kill people and we live in a fallen world. Everything works out for God's good. He wants us humble before his thrown and completely dedicated to serving Him. We are in a spiritual battle we need to stand up and fight, not hope for the best to happen to us.

The job of being a DJ at Eskimo Joe's is seriously an amazing job, but I will be working at a club. This is going to be hard. Thankfully though I will grow, I will learn and become a step closer to the person God wants me to be!

God is so Good and so JUST! I am standing in awe of the ONE! I am taken care of by a huge God, who is big enough to handle my problems, and is in complete control of my life. that means something completely different to me now.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Psalm 3 

 ¹ O LORD, how many are my foes! 
       How many rise up against me!

 ² Many are saying of me, 
       "God will not deliver him." 
       Selah 

 ³ But you are a shield around me, O LORD; 
       you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.

 ⁴ To the LORD I cry aloud, 
       and he answers me from his holy hill. 
       Selah

 ⁵ I lie down and sleep; 
       I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

 ⁶ I will not fear the tens of thousands 
       drawn up against me on every side.

 ⁷ Arise, O LORD! 
       Deliver me, O my God! 
       Strike all my enemies on the jaw; 
       break the teeth of the wicked.

 ⁸ From the LORD comes deliverance. 
       May your blessing be on your people. 
       Selah

The only difference is- it's not others that are rising against me, it's me rising against myself.